Road Trip Day 1

 Road Trip Day One

Denver to Topeka

March 30th, 2024

I got up around 6am like I always do even on the weekends. Heated up some water for coffee. Checked in on Antonio who was getting a bit more sleep.

I was really excited for this trip. I have never been to the Kentucky destination and have never been on such a long trip with Antonio. I was looking forward to both for weeks when my mom asked if I wanted to make the trip to bring her car to her and my dad.

Antonio got up and after some coffee, we gathered our bags, packed them into the car, and headed out for what was to be an amazing road trip.

How to stay awake in the Plains.

Usually, when I am driving east of Denver on I-70 I tend to have issues with staying awake. Mostly because I have done it so many times and there is literally NOTHING out there that holds interest.

This trip was different. For one thing, I wasn't doing it alone like I had before. I had someone with me who I was fully engaged with and him, me. Antonio is all about books, so he made sure to have a couple with him that he was going to read on the road. I thought he was going to read them just to keep himself awake or from being bored. Nope. He wanted to read them aloud. I had never been on a trip where someone read a book aloud, live. I have, of course, listened to audiobooks. This was going to be very different.

He started with The Occult Anatomy of Man by Manly P. Hall. 

From ThriftBooks.com - "In this thought-provoking book, Manly P. Hall, the renowned founder of the Philosophical Research Society, takes you on a journey through the mystical and esoteric aspects of human existence."

I didn't know this book was going to be so good. Antonio would read a section and then we would talk about it and then he would read more.

The second book was The Hermetica by Timothy Freke & Peter Gandy

From ThriftBooks.com - "The first easily accessible translation of the esoteric writings that inspired some of the world's greatest artists, scientists, and philosophers. Here is an essential digest of the Greco-Egyptian writings attributed to the legendary sage-god Hermes Trismegistus (Greek for thrice-greatest Hermes), a combination of the Egyptian Thoth and the Greek Hermes."

Not a book you would think to be good for reading out loud on a road trip but you would be mistaken. Maybe was Antonio reading and I love to hear his voice but it was really a good choice to read. Very esoteric.

The final book was a novel. Masters' Counterpoints by Larry Townsend

From ThriftBooks.com - "This suspenseful, gay erotic novel has all the elements. A series of crimes introduces therapist turned detective Bruce McCleod whose investigations lead him to a father-son S/M team whose activities may have crossed the line from kinky fun to deadly intentions."

This one was fun. Yes, it is erotic at times and it was interesting hearing Antonio reading those parts.

The books were read a chapter at a time and then he would switch between them. I never felt sleepy once.

Kansas

There are two distinct parts to Kansas when driving across the state. Flat and boring to hills and interesting. The defining line is around Salina. From there to our first stop it was very different from what I was used to. The rolling hills started and there was more stuff to see on the side of the road. Including some signs promoting the Adult bookstores at different exits. No, we didn't stop. Some looked really sketchy.

We eventually made it to the hotel outside of Topeka, the Sleep Inn. 

The Real Housewives of Topeka

Now this isn't really a thing, just a name I gave to a particular group of "ladies" Antonio and I encountered.

We had checked into the hotel and decided to check out the hot tub and pool to relax from the road. We found the pool and tub and also found the hot tub was being monopolized by 7 women, half of them just sitting on the edge drinking some kind of White Claw knockoff. There was also a gaggle of children splashing and jumping in the pool. Antonio and weren't deterred and we decided to just enjoy the pool. That is when we realized that we were getting the "stink-eye" from a couple of the "ladies" in the hot tub. We did our best to ignore them and even found it funny that they would be so haughty. 
We did eventually get worn out with the pool and more kids showed up so we toweled off and headed back to the room.

End of the Day One

We got back to the room and decided to take a shower to rinse off the pool. The shower was massive and for the first time in our relationship, we showered together. Sorry, no details here, it is a family show after all.
After the amazing shower, I fell asleep very quickly, and Antonio shortly after.

Friend to Companion

New Friend

In 2018 I met a guy in a support group. Antonio was new to the group and I had missed his first visit. Immediately he caught my attention. Not because he was really attractive, which is what most people would think, but because of what I felt from him. He was a bright light in an otherwise dim environment. I didn't approach him right away, in fact it was a couple more group sessions before I got up the nerve to talk to him. 

See there is an age difference of 20 years between us. In my head that was not a good thing and should never be. Oh how wrong I was.

On the night I did finally talk to him, I asked if he needed help transporting the left over pizza we had from group, to his house. He was on his bike and it would have been difficult to ride and carry the pizza box. He accepted and I drove over to his place. I asked if he wanted to hang out for a bit and chat. Again he accepted. That is how our now 6 year friendship/relationship started. 

Over the years we have become closer and closer, sharing the most secret parts of our lives. We have also shared the intimate parts of ourselves. Through all of it we became more than what the definion of friend could emcompass. We told ourselves that, "we don't need a label." But, how do you explain to someone who isn't in the relationship, who that person is to you fully? You need a "label". 

Boyfriend was out. It was just not right despite how we felt for each other. Yes, we have love for each other but it is more.
Partner was also out. We weren't that either.
Husband was out too and for the same reason as partner, and no rings on fingers.

So what do you call someone with whom you spend so much time? We hang out, go to dinner, be intimate, see movies, spend the night at each others homes, go on hikes, and take road trips together. What word in the English language would best describe that? 

We tossed words around. I seemed like it would be a lost cause because nothing seemed to fit.

Then Antonio landed on "confidant". While that did seem to fit some things it left out others. But, in the list of similar words was "companion". That word. That WORD. It made sense somehow. 

We now have a word for it. Something to say to others. 

COMPANION.

Of Endings and Beginnings

My first real relationship was in the early 1990's with an amazing man named Shayne. While it only lasted a short while, less than two years, it was a defining time in my life. After Shayne's passing in 1993 I bounced between guys, never finding one that was a good foundation for a relationship. That was until I met Michael in the late 1990's. I can't remember what it was or how we got together, that is either from time, age or injury, or all the above. What I can say is that the time we shared was amazing, difficult, and yes even on edge.

We traveled to London, twice. Both times were amazing and something I will never forget. We took 5 cruises over most of the Carribean. Each one an adventure and amazing. We bought a house. We bought chickens. We bought a dog. 

We survived many things as well. COVID being the last major thing. It made us stronger. But the events of 2016 and 2017 broke what we had. It shattered the love that was there. But I didn't want to let go and held onto what was in hopes of some sort of fix and a return to how things used to be.

OF ENDINGS

A recent talk with Michael made me realize that it wasn't going to happen and that I needed to let go of what I was holding on to so tightly. I needed to let go of the idea that we would be returning to how it was. I needed focus on the new parts of my life and my relationships with my friends. 

I didn't realize what was going to happen however. I did let go. The day after I found a massive void in my being. More massive than when Shayne passed away. I didn't know what I was going to do fill the void.

OF BEGINNINGS

More talking with Michael and I reassured him that I wouldn't leave. I need to stay because the house is in both of our names and we are both responsible for it. We but so much into the house and I want to keep it even if I am just a housemate. I have transitioned to fully living in the basement with the spare bedroom. It has been very nice and there is so much less stress in the house. I am keeping my income to contribute with to the bills and I will continue to do the upkeep.

Of Change and Loss

I had to make a tough decision this past weekend. I had to step away from a friendship. Unfriend on Facebook and unfollow on Insta.

A few years ago, while attending a yoga session I was introduced to this person. It seemed like we had an immediate connection. We ended up becoming friends. We shared many things about ourselves. I tried to support him as much as I was able. I told him that I would not abandon him like so many others UNLESS he lied.

He lied. Not only that but he cheated on and lied to his husband. I tried to make him see that what he was doing was wrong and he needed to stop. He said he would, he did for a bit but went right back to his old habits. Showing no remorse. 

Cutting ties with someone with who you have shared so much is not an easy thing to do. I wavered for a long time on whether or not to do it. I thought I could make him see. I thought I could make him stop. I could not. Maybe losing me as a friend will spur the change. It is hard to say. Losing another friend to his ways didn't make a difference so I don't believe my choice will.

New direction

 This blog is changing to a more personal expression and journaling platform.

For the more witchcraft related content please head over to Charmed By The Craft. There I will be reposting entries from this blog and they will then be removed.

Conversation to Revelation

It is surprising how an innocent conversation with a friend and lead to a life changing revelation.

My teen years were spent in the 1980's. I had friends like most kids did. People we saw everyday in school and sometimes we did things together when we weren't in school. Having been in two different schools and towns during my high school years made keeping friends a challenge. I had friends at Valley High but when I moved they were lost. I made new friends at Brighton High and one became my best friend. We made friendships based on common interests. Those friendships grew as we got to know each other more. We shared what scared us and what we loved. It never became more than friendships. It just wasn't something that happened to a gay guy in the 1980s. 

When I got out on my own, things changed. I was no longer needing to keep my sexuality quiet. I was free to explore it and meet new people who shared my desires. I embraced it. I found the bars and the other places the guys hung out. I met people and I thought they were friends. They may have been but for the most part they were nothing more then sex partners or fuck buddies. We didn't have a connection beyond the sex. Sex was a driving force in my younger years. I saw it as a way to meet new people and mistakenly, using it to make friends. A friendship started with sex isn't hard to maintain and grow. 

For 30 years I had lived my life under the impression that I had friends when in reality I had sex partners.

Enter a new time in my life. Thrust upon me through hardship. I became exposed to a new group of people. A support group for those living with HIV. A group of guys who weren't gathered to "hook up", rather to seek support. A concept that I was never exposed to until then. Even then I would still hear the old programming in my head, the wanting to find a hook-up. Seeing a guy and thinking if I could have him. I now realize it was a conscious thing I did too. The more I went to this group the more I realized that I may have it wrong. One day a new face was in the group. He was shy and didn't say much, like most guys that are new. There was something different about this guy. I could sense it. Yes he was very attractive, both physically and sexually. I watched him and listened to his stories. Eventually I got up the nerve to talk to him and the journey began. Eventually he invited me to his place and we spent the night talking and getting to know each other. Sex wasn't a thing, not right away. Our friendship has become an amazing journey.

I made other friendships since then. All of them different then the others and all of them wonderful.

But for one. One that was started in a way that threatened its very existence. I met this guy through another friend. The particulars of that meeting aren't important except he made an impression on me right away. We didn't start our friendship by talking and getting to know each other. We started it with our dicks. That choice colored the relationship going forward, even though there was attempts to have discussions and learn about each other, the sex was ever present. It got in the way of learning what the other person was like. It prevents us from being as close as I had become with my other friends. It wasn't until we finally had a hard discussion that I had the revelation. 

I never had friends. I had sex partners and fuck buddies. I saw my new friends the same way even though sex wasn't something that was what drove our friendship. It wasn't until I was given the opportunity to see what I was doing am I now able to make the change. I have to reprogram how I see people.

I have 3 of the best friends I have ever had in my life. I have grown so much from knowing them. I have been kicked out of the box I was in while talking to one of them and I have been given the gift of seeing the vulnerable side of myself while talking to another. The other one has shown me how much I have failed and how to fix it. All the while standing by me as I find my footing as I learn to have friends. Real friends.

The most innocent conversations can lead to the most important changes in a person's life.

CONFESSION

I am a child of the 60's, 70s, and 80s. I am a part of Generation X. I missed the hippy culture of the 60's by a couple of decades. I did however experience the 70s and 80s. 

As I grew up I was never exposed to much diversity. I attended a private Lutheran school, which I don't believe we had much diversity in it. The neighborhoods I grew up in were all caucasian if I remember correctly. I didn't have many friends but the ones I did have were also caucasion. My exposure to people of color was limited to what I saw on TV or while out with my parents. I was never told that people who were different then me were any less then me. I never looked down at a person of color.

Later in my teenage years we moved to LaSalle, Colorado and it's predominant hispanic community. I began to hear the words that were used to disparage those of hispanic culture. "Spic", "Wetback" and "Beaner", were said freely in social gatherings and even in school. I never heard the word "nigger" until I had left home and was in the military. 

Even after I had left home for the military, did I really think about people of color as "people of color". They were just people, humans. Something changed though. I won't say that I had become racist to the point we are seeing today. I found myself falling into the part of the gay community that would only date, have sex with, or socialize with someone of their own "race". I honestly didn't even realize it had happened until now. I would say things like, "I don't like black guys because chocolate makes me break out." I simply wasn't attracted to them sexually, or even non-sexually. I am not sure why. It just wasn't something I liked.

As I got older and wiser I began to see men of color as more then just the shade of their skin. I began to see beauty, thanks to RuPaul, Gary Dourdan, and others. I got to know men of hispanic decent and I got to see them for their culture. I am proud to call many men of various "races" my friends. From the darkest to the lightest shades of skin. We are all still HUMAN.