A dark house…dreaming

The house is enormous, dark, and it is in my dreams.

I have not only dreamed of this imposing dwelling once but many times. Each time it is the same.

I some how know the house like a friend. I know the quiet rooms, walls covered in their ancient papers, floors of rooms covered in lush carpets, halls illuminated dimly with antique sconces and gas flames. Wood floors in hallways, polished and clean. Staircases, embellished with wooden banisters travel from floor to floor.

Each night I dream of this house I find myself wandering through the halls, from room to room, and up the endless stairs. Musty odors fill my nostrils as I tread down the dim halls. My foot steps echo through out as I make my way through the house.

I travel the same path each time I am in the house. The same halls, rooms and stairs. Each smell and sound the same. I am happy and calm as I travel the path set before me.

Finally I find the large central staircase that winds, tightly up to a single room. Slowly I climb the smooth stairs. The worn handrail smooth under my shaking hand. I realize that I am now anxious as I take step after step. Windows open to an out of focus world beyond the smoky glass. I reach the threshold of the room and find that I am not able to pass through. No obvious barrier exists but I am held out. I can see what is inside the room. All the items are familiar to me. I remember sitting in the small room and peering out the clear windows on the world outside. I remember learning things in this room and finding things too. Now the room is dark and still, dust covers the small table and chair. Cobwebs, almost as if embodying the cliche, hang from the corners and over the windows. The once clear glass, now clouded with age.

I am confused and sadden. Why am I not able to return to a room that I looked forward to being in? Night after night I return to the room and find it closed to me still, each night the room grew darker and darker.

I haven’t dreamed of traveling through the house in some time but I have the house appearing in my mind’s eye from time to time, first in vague detail and now in full detail. I used to sit and wonder during my waking hours if I will be walking through the rooms, halls and staircases or if I will be taking a different journey.

I know now that the room at the top of the house will never be open to me again. I know that the room was a place for me to learn about myself and for me to be found. I stared my path in that room and I will forever remember it even if I am not able to return to it. The house remains open to me and me open to the house; but that part will forever remain a closed part in...

A dark house…dreaming.

A roadblock on the path

I have recently come to realize that I have a huge roadblock sitting right smack dab in the middle of my spiritual path.  This epiphany came to me as I talked to my High Priest about how I was progressing toward restarting my initiation process.  


Let me give a bit of back story.  


I came to paganism relatively late in my life.  I wasn't raised with it.  I can't quite remember when I began exploring this path.  I do know that it was first in a book then an online school and finally with the coven I currently belong to.  I progressed nicely and soon dedicated with the coven.  The next step was to initiate. I thought I was ready, I was not.

Image found here.

During one of my infrequent meditations I was visited by my patron Goddess Hecate and my patron God Herne.  It was explained to me that I was not ready to undertake such an important task as initiation and that I needed to do much more before I was.  I was quite taken aback by such a overt communication but I was also grateful that my patrons came to me.  After the meditation I immediately drafted a letter to my High Priest and High Priestess requesting the my initiation be put on hiatus.


So now I come to the roadblock.  I don't do for me.  I am always doing for others.  I get up around 5:00am and immediately start doing for others.  I clean the kitchen, loading the washer and wiping down the counters.  I get my partner up and off to work.  I get on this computer and start checking mail and start working on our two stores.  I also fit laundry in there somewhere too.  I also seem to be picking up after our roommate.  Oh and lest us not forget the yard work that needs to be done now that spring is here and summer just weeks away.  So I don't do for me.


Why?  I am worried that if I don't do all these other things that they won't get done, or done right.  I am afraid to let got for even a short time.  I feel guilty if I take time for myself.  I would love to be able to just go into my ritual room, cast circle, and sit in the quiet and meditate.  So why don't I just do it?  I am doing it now.


I have expressed my feeling to my partner and we have agreed that I just need to take the time I need and not  worry about what needs to be done.  Easier said then done.  


So I am here looking at this massive roadblock and wondering how I am to remove it or go around it.  I think I should remove it so that I don't encounter it again further down the path.  

I ask my patrons for guidance and patience as I find my way again.


Blessed Be!