Of Change and Loss

I had to make a tough decision this past weekend. I had to step away from a friendship. Unfriend on Facebook and unfollow on Insta.

A few years ago, while attending a yoga session I was introduced to this person. It seemed like we had an immediate connection. We ended up becoming friends. We shared many things about ourselves. I tried to support him as much as I was able. I told him that I would not abandon him like so many others UNLESS he lied.

He lied. Not only that but he cheated on and lied to his husband. I tried to make him see that what he was doing was wrong and he needed to stop. He said he would, he did for a bit but went right back to his old habits. Showing no remorse. 

Cutting ties with someone with who you have shared so much is not an easy thing to do. I wavered for a long time on whether or not to do it. I thought I could make him see. I thought I could make him stop. I could not. Maybe losing me as a friend will spur the change. It is hard to say. Losing another friend to his ways didn't make a difference so I don't believe my choice will.

Conversation to Revelation

It is surprising how an innocent conversation with a friend and lead to a life changing revelation.

My teen years were spent in the 1980's. I had friends like most kids did. People we saw everyday in school and sometimes we did things together when we weren't in school. Having been in two different schools and towns during my high school years made keeping friends a challenge. I had friends at Valley High but when I moved they were lost. I made new friends at Brighton High and one became my best friend. We made friendships based on common interests. Those friendships grew as we got to know each other more. We shared what scared us and what we loved. It never became more than friendships. It just wasn't something that happened to a gay guy in the 1980s. 

When I got out on my own, things changed. I was no longer needing to keep my sexuality quiet. I was free to explore it and meet new people who shared my desires. I embraced it. I found the bars and the other places the guys hung out. I met people and I thought they were friends. They may have been but for the most part they were nothing more then sex partners or fuck buddies. We didn't have a connection beyond the sex. Sex was a driving force in my younger years. I saw it as a way to meet new people and mistakenly, using it to make friends. A friendship started with sex isn't hard to maintain and grow. 

For 30 years I had lived my life under the impression that I had friends when in reality I had sex partners.

Enter a new time in my life. Thrust upon me through hardship. I became exposed to a new group of people. A support group for those living with HIV. A group of guys who weren't gathered to "hook up", rather to seek support. A concept that I was never exposed to until then. Even then I would still hear the old programming in my head, the wanting to find a hook-up. Seeing a guy and thinking if I could have him. I now realize it was a conscious thing I did too. The more I went to this group the more I realized that I may have it wrong. One day a new face was in the group. He was shy and didn't say much, like most guys that are new. There was something different about this guy. I could sense it. Yes he was very attractive, both physically and sexually. I watched him and listened to his stories. Eventually I got up the nerve to talk to him and the journey began. Eventually he invited me to his place and we spent the night talking and getting to know each other. Sex wasn't a thing, not right away. Our friendship has become an amazing journey.

I made other friendships since then. All of them different then the others and all of them wonderful.

But for one. One that was started in a way that threatened its very existence. I met this guy through another friend. The particulars of that meeting aren't important except he made an impression on me right away. We didn't start our friendship by talking and getting to know each other. We started it with our dicks. That choice colored the relationship going forward, even though there was attempts to have discussions and learn about each other, the sex was ever present. It got in the way of learning what the other person was like. It prevents us from being as close as I had become with my other friends. It wasn't until we finally had a hard discussion that I had the revelation. 

I never had friends. I had sex partners and fuck buddies. I saw my new friends the same way even though sex wasn't something that was what drove our friendship. It wasn't until I was given the opportunity to see what I was doing am I now able to make the change. I have to reprogram how I see people.

I have 3 of the best friends I have ever had in my life. I have grown so much from knowing them. I have been kicked out of the box I was in while talking to one of them and I have been given the gift of seeing the vulnerable side of myself while talking to another. The other one has shown me how much I have failed and how to fix it. All the while standing by me as I find my footing as I learn to have friends. Real friends.

The most innocent conversations can lead to the most important changes in a person's life.