Friend to Companion

New Friend

In 2018 I met a guy in a support group. Antonio was new to the group and I had missed his first visit. Immediately he caught my attention. Not because he was really attractive, which is what most people would think, but because of what I felt from him. He was a bright light in an otherwise dim environment. I didn't approach him right away, in fact it was a couple more group sessions before I got up the nerve to talk to him. 

See there is an age difference of 20 years between us. In my head that was not a good thing and should never be. Oh how wrong I was.

On the night I did finally talk to him, I asked if he needed help transporting the left over pizza we had from group, to his house. He was on his bike and it would have been difficult to ride and carry the pizza box. He accepted and I drove over to his place. I asked if he wanted to hang out for a bit and chat. Again he accepted. That is how our now 6 year friendship/relationship started. 

Over the years we have become closer and closer, sharing the most secret parts of our lives. We have also shared the intimate parts of ourselves. Through all of it we became more than what the definion of friend could emcompass. We told ourselves that, "we don't need a label." But, how do you explain to someone who isn't in the relationship, who that person is to you fully? You need a "label". 

Boyfriend was out. It was just not right despite how we felt for each other. Yes, we have love for each other but it is more.
Partner was also out. We weren't that either.
Husband was out too and for the same reason as partner, and no rings on fingers.

So what do you call someone with whom you spend so much time? We hang out, go to dinner, be intimate, see movies, spend the night at each others homes, go on hikes, and take road trips together. What word in the English language would best describe that? 

We tossed words around. I seemed like it would be a lost cause because nothing seemed to fit.

Then Antonio landed on "confidant". While that did seem to fit some things it left out others. But, in the list of similar words was "companion". That word. That WORD. It made sense somehow. 

We now have a word for it. Something to say to others. 

COMPANION.

Of Endings and Beginnings

My first real relationship was in the early 1990's with an amazing man named Shayne. While it only lasted a short while, less than two years, it was a defining time in my life. After Shayne's passing in 1993 I bounced between guys, never finding one that was a good foundation for a relationship. That was until I met Michael in the late 1990's. I can't remember what it was or how we got together, that is either from time, age or injury, or all the above. What I can say is that the time we shared was amazing, difficult, and yes even on edge.

We traveled to London, twice. Both times were amazing and something I will never forget. We took 5 cruises over most of the Carribean. Each one an adventure and amazing. We bought a house. We bought chickens. We bought a dog. 

We survived many things as well. COVID being the last major thing. It made us stronger. But the events of 2016 and 2017 broke what we had. It shattered the love that was there. But I didn't want to let go and held onto what was in hopes of some sort of fix and a return to how things used to be.

OF ENDINGS

A recent talk with Michael made me realize that it wasn't going to happen and that I needed to let go of what I was holding on to so tightly. I needed to let go of the idea that we would be returning to how it was. I needed focus on the new parts of my life and my relationships with my friends. 

I didn't realize what was going to happen however. I did let go. The day after I found a massive void in my being. More massive than when Shayne passed away. I didn't know what I was going to do fill the void.

OF BEGINNINGS

More talking with Michael and I reassured him that I wouldn't leave. I need to stay because the house is in both of our names and we are both responsible for it. We but so much into the house and I want to keep it even if I am just a housemate. I have transitioned to fully living in the basement with the spare bedroom. It has been very nice and there is so much less stress in the house. I am keeping my income to contribute with to the bills and I will continue to do the upkeep.

Of Change and Loss

I had to make a tough decision this past weekend. I had to step away from a friendship. Unfriend on Facebook and unfollow on Insta.

A few years ago, while attending a yoga session I was introduced to this person. It seemed like we had an immediate connection. We ended up becoming friends. We shared many things about ourselves. I tried to support him as much as I was able. I told him that I would not abandon him like so many others UNLESS he lied.

He lied. Not only that but he cheated on and lied to his husband. I tried to make him see that what he was doing was wrong and he needed to stop. He said he would, he did for a bit but went right back to his old habits. Showing no remorse. 

Cutting ties with someone with who you have shared so much is not an easy thing to do. I wavered for a long time on whether or not to do it. I thought I could make him see. I thought I could make him stop. I could not. Maybe losing me as a friend will spur the change. It is hard to say. Losing another friend to his ways didn't make a difference so I don't believe my choice will.

New direction

 This blog is changing to a more personal expression and journaling platform.

For the more witchcraft related content please head over to Charmed By The Craft. There I will be reposting entries from this blog and they will then be removed.

Conversation to Revelation

It is surprising how an innocent conversation with a friend and lead to a life changing revelation.

My teen years were spent in the 1980's. I had friends like most kids did. People we saw everyday in school and sometimes we did things together when we weren't in school. Having been in two different schools and towns during my high school years made keeping friends a challenge. I had friends at Valley High but when I moved they were lost. I made new friends at Brighton High and one became my best friend. We made friendships based on common interests. Those friendships grew as we got to know each other more. We shared what scared us and what we loved. It never became more than friendships. It just wasn't something that happened to a gay guy in the 1980s. 

When I got out on my own, things changed. I was no longer needing to keep my sexuality quiet. I was free to explore it and meet new people who shared my desires. I embraced it. I found the bars and the other places the guys hung out. I met people and I thought they were friends. They may have been but for the most part they were nothing more then sex partners or fuck buddies. We didn't have a connection beyond the sex. Sex was a driving force in my younger years. I saw it as a way to meet new people and mistakenly, using it to make friends. A friendship started with sex isn't hard to maintain and grow. 

For 30 years I had lived my life under the impression that I had friends when in reality I had sex partners.

Enter a new time in my life. Thrust upon me through hardship. I became exposed to a new group of people. A support group for those living with HIV. A group of guys who weren't gathered to "hook up", rather to seek support. A concept that I was never exposed to until then. Even then I would still hear the old programming in my head, the wanting to find a hook-up. Seeing a guy and thinking if I could have him. I now realize it was a conscious thing I did too. The more I went to this group the more I realized that I may have it wrong. One day a new face was in the group. He was shy and didn't say much, like most guys that are new. There was something different about this guy. I could sense it. Yes he was very attractive, both physically and sexually. I watched him and listened to his stories. Eventually I got up the nerve to talk to him and the journey began. Eventually he invited me to his place and we spent the night talking and getting to know each other. Sex wasn't a thing, not right away. Our friendship has become an amazing journey.

I made other friendships since then. All of them different then the others and all of them wonderful.

But for one. One that was started in a way that threatened its very existence. I met this guy through another friend. The particulars of that meeting aren't important except he made an impression on me right away. We didn't start our friendship by talking and getting to know each other. We started it with our dicks. That choice colored the relationship going forward, even though there was attempts to have discussions and learn about each other, the sex was ever present. It got in the way of learning what the other person was like. It prevents us from being as close as I had become with my other friends. It wasn't until we finally had a hard discussion that I had the revelation. 

I never had friends. I had sex partners and fuck buddies. I saw my new friends the same way even though sex wasn't something that was what drove our friendship. It wasn't until I was given the opportunity to see what I was doing am I now able to make the change. I have to reprogram how I see people.

I have 3 of the best friends I have ever had in my life. I have grown so much from knowing them. I have been kicked out of the box I was in while talking to one of them and I have been given the gift of seeing the vulnerable side of myself while talking to another. The other one has shown me how much I have failed and how to fix it. All the while standing by me as I find my footing as I learn to have friends. Real friends.

The most innocent conversations can lead to the most important changes in a person's life.

CONFESSION

I am a child of the 60's, 70s, and 80s. I am a part of Generation X. I missed the hippy culture of the 60's by a couple of decades. I did however experience the 70s and 80s. 

As I grew up I was never exposed to much diversity. I attended a private Lutheran school, which I don't believe we had much diversity in it. The neighborhoods I grew up in were all caucasian if I remember correctly. I didn't have many friends but the ones I did have were also caucasion. My exposure to people of color was limited to what I saw on TV or while out with my parents. I was never told that people who were different then me were any less then me. I never looked down at a person of color.

Later in my teenage years we moved to LaSalle, Colorado and it's predominant hispanic community. I began to hear the words that were used to disparage those of hispanic culture. "Spic", "Wetback" and "Beaner", were said freely in social gatherings and even in school. I never heard the word "nigger" until I had left home and was in the military. 

Even after I had left home for the military, did I really think about people of color as "people of color". They were just people, humans. Something changed though. I won't say that I had become racist to the point we are seeing today. I found myself falling into the part of the gay community that would only date, have sex with, or socialize with someone of their own "race". I honestly didn't even realize it had happened until now. I would say things like, "I don't like black guys because chocolate makes me break out." I simply wasn't attracted to them sexually, or even non-sexually. I am not sure why. It just wasn't something I liked.

As I got older and wiser I began to see men of color as more then just the shade of their skin. I began to see beauty, thanks to RuPaul, Gary Dourdan, and others. I got to know men of hispanic decent and I got to see them for their culture. I am proud to call many men of various "races" my friends. From the darkest to the lightest shades of skin. We are all still HUMAN.

The other side of drug abuse and addiction

Or what people don't hear or know about from those of us who are partnered with the drug abuser or addict.

Drug Abuse - The habitual taking of addictive or illegal drugs.
Addiction - The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, think or activity.
Addict - A person who is addicted to a particular substance, typically an illegal drug.

Late 2016 was the beginning of a downward time in my life. It started abruptly from my perspective. One day everything was fine and the next I was thrust into a sorted mess of addiction and abuse.

My partner, M and I lead a quite life here in Denver. He worked for a large international company in Aurora and I worked retail. We had made a good life for ourselves, we bought a house and were happy; or I thought. Little did I know what awaited me in the latter months of 2016. A downward spiral that almost saw us lose our house and lively hood.

Being the one who wasn't using meant I was the one who was left to maintain, everything. From that emerged ANGER, RESENTMENT, GUILT and FEAR. Let me explain and examine each one.



ANGER - This manifested in several ways and at different times over the month of use. I was angry at my partner. I was angry at our "friend". I was angry at the drug. I was angry at the dealer. I was angry at myself.
The anger at my partner and "friend" were pretty much the same. It was an anger that was directed at them the whole time, because they were in a place that they didn't care about anything but the drug. I was angry at the drug for doing what it was doing to my partner, changing him into someone I didn't recognize. The dealer for the same reason. The anger toward myself was because I didn't say, "enough", or "no". I was weak and wanted to see them happy, and didn't think of the cost.


RESENTMENT - Simply resenting him because I was stuck to manage the entire financial situations with the limited funds available after money was taken and used for the drug.

GUILT - This is mine personally. The guilt is very profound. It stems from not taking a stance on the use. Not doing something sooner to prevent it. Not just saying, "NO!".

FEAR - This is a powerful one. It motivated much of my inactivity during the months. I was fearful of losing my partner if I was to say, "No more." I was fearful of violence stemming from the same. I was fearful of losing everything we owned to the drug. I was fearful that I would ultimately lose my partner to the drug.







I think the saddest thing about all of this is the fact that the one using the drugs fails to see all that is going on outside the pipe and the torch. They don't see the hurt because the drug won't let them. They don't see the dark figure looming in the background just waiting for that moment when control is lost and they are his for the taking. They don't see the pain felt by others who see them change and become distant, wanting only the drug and those who can provide it. They don't see those of us who are left to pick up the pieces of our lives because we are afraid to lose them and ourselves.

After the use stops, those of us who sat outside the pipe find ridicule when we attempt to talk about what we went through. We are blamed for making it up, that they, "weren't like that", "I didn't do that", "don't blame me or that, you did it." We aren't allowed to discuss anything we had to go through because of the blaming, anger and changes to the users mental state.

Recovery options are always available to those that have used drugs. This a good thing, however, what options are there for those of us that have stood by and had to experience, the other side of drug use and addiction?